You know those moments in life where you know on the other side of the chasm sits an abruptly different reality than the one you know right now. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s not but it’s always different. And sometimes, if we’re lucky, we get to toe right up to the edge, peek over the side and take a breath before you step across. But we always have to step across. One big breath, one foot, then the other, then repeat.

My experience in this has been limited, primarily anchored in me holding my breath staring at a pregnancy test that hadn’t yet revealed two pink lines. Knowing if that stick confirmed what I physically suspected, our lives would be forever altered. These breathless moments, waiting, were full of optimism and excitement for a future we very much wanted. One big breath, one foot, then the other, then repeat.

I’d honestly forgotten about this rare moment, knowing life fundamentally changes and stepping forward, until it happened again recently.

On a Saturday morning in December, I was snapping photos of my kids in a theater as they chowed down on popcorn and cotton candy, excitedly waiting for Paw Patrol Live to start. My husband was sick and stayed home so I took my kids solo; it was truly a delightful morning.

3 minutes before the show starts, a Whatsapp message to my family’s chat from my dad, letting us know he’s sent an email with an update on his back pain. Back pain he’d been experiencing since April, had been going to PT for and a few days prior, had gotten an MRI. Expecting a routine update, something about a pulled muscle or something else annoying/inconvenient but overall, minor, I tapped into my email and refreshed to open ‘Back and Hip Updates’. I found an email with several dense paragraphs that I knew I wouldn’t be able to fully read before Paw Patrol started so I skimmed and saw words I was not prepared for:

‘there’s no other way to say it: the news is bad.’

‘a fast-growing and invasive tumor’

I gasped sharply and pulled myself back from peering over the edge of my future reality and closed my email. I brought myself into the present, with tears in my eyes as the lights dimmed and those goofy-ass Paw Patrol actors danced their way on stage and captivated my little boys attention. I told my brain we’d deal with this later but right now, I was going to stay on this side of the divide.

Of course I’d need to read the email. I’d need to understand my new reality – the future I wasn’t ready for and didn’t want. But I knew enough from my skim to know, my world and my family’s world will forever be different on the other side of the chasm. And, even more rare than knowing you’re facing the chasm, is to get to decide when to stop dilly dallying and take the step forward to cross.

And reader, I dilly dallied like a pro for rest of the morning and some of the afternoon.

I liked the reality I lived in – where my dad doesn’t have a tumor, doesn’t probably have cancer, where I expect he will be around for years and years to come to hug my little boys who love him so much. Where I’m 1,200 miles away but it’s okay because we have regular visits and vacations to spend time together. Where I don’t have to explain to my kids that cancer isn’t necessarily a death sentence like they believe now because the only person we’ve talked about with cancer is his Grandma Pat who died of breast cancer 30+ years ago. But also, maybe it is.

But alas, our only choice is to move forward. One big breath, one foot, then the other, then repeat.

On the other side of the chasm: my dad has diffuse large B-cell lymphoma with a sub-type as indicated by genetic testing called: ‘double hit lymphoma’. While lymphoma is fairly common (as the internet tells me), this double hit is more uncommon and generally less good. This week, he’s done an EKG to make sure his heart is strong enough for chemo, will get a port installed so they can easily pump chemicals directly into his heart and a PET scan on Thursday to determine where the cancer is exactly in his body at this point, and finally, a follow up with his oncologist Friday before starting chemo Monday. He’s shaving his head Sunday to tell lymphoma, ‘you don’t get to run the whole show, ya jerk’ and exert some agency where there is little to have. He will do 6 rounds of chemo, with the first one in-patient at the hospital, then at home for 2-6 if his body tolerates it well. And we will see what happens as we go.

One big breath, one foot, then the other, then repeat.

i’ve been thinking about this little space on the internet a lot recently. in an earlier chapter, i found such joy and fulfillment in this nook – a creative outlet, friendships, memory keeping. and then, i didn’t for a long time. i prioritized other aspects of life – growing and keeping a tiny human(now, humans) alive, navigating parenthood in a pandemic, focusing on work, trying to keep in touch with family and friends, reading books.

recently though, this dusty corner has been on my mind. as we (collectively) show no clear end in sight to the pandemic, as we (as a family) come up for air after baby 2 and returning to work, as we look ahead to a new year (my favorite!), i’m striving for more balance. more diversification. more ‘cup filling’ activities in my life.

what will that look like, i’m not entirely sure. but i know i miss writing things so i’m hoping to create time and space to bring it back into my life. (and of course, ‘hoping’ isn’t a recipe for success but right now, that’s where i’m at.)

so under the cover of night, a couple days before christmas, on the first night of 10 straight days of parenting with no breaks – i make my anti-climactic return. cheers to beginning again and prioritizing things that bring joy. sending love and healthy holiday vibes to whomever and wherever you are.

About this time last year, I was more than halfway through my pregnancy and for a variety of reasons, I found myself pursuing a job search. Job searching not pregnant? Daunting. Job searching while growing a human? Daunting — and also doable. Because I’ve had a few girlfriends reach out in similar situations this past year, I’m sharing my (very limited) perspective in case you are someone in a similar situation, looking for advice or comfort in knowing someone else has done it, too.

So, what did I do? 

As I began my job search, I applied to a whole host of jobs – a couple I was really excited about and a handful I felt lukewarm on the role or company but interested in learning more – and I was able to land some intro phone interviews. As with any job search, this helped me really perfect my story/pitch before the stakes were much higher for an in-person interview and a pregnant belly harder to hide.

During this time, I was extremely critical in what I was looking for. I knew that changing jobs with 2-3 months before having a baby, I likely wouldn’t have access to maternity leave benefits and certainly not FMLA (have to be employed for 12 months) so I wasn’t going to pursue a job that I wasn’t 100% certain was the right move for me. I considered things like:

• who would be my manager and how much management experience they had
• team size/structure and how many direct reports my manager would have
• any travel requirements
• salary structure (base pay only? base pay and variable? variable based on what?)
• company culture and values
• parental leave policies and any intel about how many/if any parents on the team and at the company
• how buttoned-up the interviewers and recruiters who conducted interviews were

As I whittled down my list  to a select handful of companies that had a role I was excited about and a company mission I could get behind, I was fortunate enough to move to in-person interviews with my top choice…at 25 weeks pregnant.

I had definitely started showing at this point and as I prepared for my face-to-face interview, I decided to disguise my belly as much as possible. I had asked what the full interview process looked like and knew if I moved all the way through the process, I would have 2 face-to-face interviews so for the first one, I wanted to minimize my pregnancy so that my skills and experience were front and center. If I made it to the second, I planned to let the hiring team know of my pregnancy at that point. I’d decided that if this was the right company for me, my pregnancy wouldn’t penalize me. I also considered that if I were in their shoes, I would want to know before a candidate started that she would be having a baby pretty quickly after her first day to help inform a ramp up plan.

I couldn’t find much help on the internet for ‘how to disguise a pregnant belly for a job interview’ and as you can see, I am not the most stylish person (and also definitely not a fashion blogger!) so I opted for this high-waisted, flowy skirt and a blazer and crossed my finger that these people who’d never met me before wouldn’t notice my 15-20 extra pounds, primarily at my midsection, too much.

I passed this face-to-face interview session (4 interviews!) and was back on-site later that week for a second round of face-to-face interviews. No photos of this ensemble but I wore black jeans, a black shirt and an oversized kimono-style wool cardigan, again aiming to minimize. My first interview of this session was with the hiring manager and the person who would be my peer — both parents of small kids — and at the end of our discussion, I disclosed that I was pregnant and due mid-January. Fortunately, my disclosure was met with much excitement and I immediately felt at ease and knew I made the right decision.

When the team called to make me an offer soon after my second in-person interview, I was overwhelmed with excitement (a really great role at a really great company), gratitude (for the people who had cheered me on during the process – and for this company taking a chance on a pregnant woman) and pride (in myself – I frickin’ did it!!). I started my new role, 30 weeks pregnant, and worked exactly 10 weeks before giving birth to my baby.

Enough about me, here are some tips for you. 

If you find yourself job searching while pregnant, here are some things that helped me and hopefully can help you, yoo.

• Apply to more places than you’re interested in. Because you’ll likely phone screen first, this will give you a chance to internalize/perfect your story and build rapport before you’re in-person. Additionally, this can help get you salary data points in the market to aid in negotiating later.
• Let them know! This is a personal choice – you’ll have to feel out the company from research and your initial phone screens and consider how far along in your pregnancy you are. For me, I do recommend sharing your news with the hiring manager and/or recruiter before you accept an offer. If transparency is a value of the company, work that in!
  • I said something to the effect of: ‘I know transparency is important to you and it is for me, too, so I wanted to let you know that I am pregnant; I hope that this reaffirms for you how excited I am about this role! I wouldn’t be interviewing during this season of personal transition if I didn’t feel strongly about this role and company.’
• Own it! It’s easy to jump to a place of speaking timidly during job searching – and especially so when pregnant. It feels riskier so we might want to downplay/minimize the potential negative consequences. But I so encourage you to own it and speak matter-of-factly. If you share the news, own it and speak confidently. You are a badass woman who knows her worth and is about to be an amazing working mama! Any company would be lucky to have you! The fact that you’re interviewing while pregnant speaks volumes – you are unafraid of challenges, you are ready to tackle problems head on and not shy away. Hopefully the folks you interview with will recognize this and if not, that is their loss and they’re not right for you.
• Be excited! As a follow up, talking about your excitement, sharing thoughts about what you’d expect for maternity leave (how you’d ramp up before baby, what you’d plan to tackle after baby), assuring them you’re just as excited to come back after the baby, etc, can all be helpful to share, too. Employers can’t legally make a hiring decision based on your pregnancy but it’s hard to argue it might not affect people’s perception of you (unfair but true). So demonstrating that you’ve put some thought into how it will work for both you and the employer can go a long way in making them feel even better about moving forward with a badass future mama.
• Be deliberate. If you’re job searching while pregnant, you won’t have access to FMLA (12 months at a company) and probably not able to access mat leave benefits (generally, must be employed 6 months), so be deliberate in the companies you choose to focus on. Pursue only roles that are exciting enough to take an unpaid mat leave for and still come back to work after.

Since my job change last year, I’ve known 2 other girlfriends who have applied, interviewed for and changed jobs mid- to late-pregnancy so it *is* doable – so if you’re reading this and if you need a pep talk, email me! Always happy to chat and be a cheerleader in your corner. And if you’ve similarly interviewed for jobs while pregnant, please feel free to share your tips/comments below so we can all learn from and support each other.