what the anxiety?!

i’ve made it nearly 39 years of my life without really having periods of extended feelings of anxiety. an anomaly, i’m aware. but this year, it seems my number came up and i, too, have experienced ongoing feelings of general, non-specific anxiety. so new! so novel! so… unwelcome!

i’ve been having a hard time catching my breath or breathing deeply, i can’t stop my brain from racing about everything and nothing and i cant turn it off at night; and when i wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back asleep because of the aforementioned brain racing. i lack patience, cry… kind of a lot, am running on fumes and am generally a lot of fun to live with right now.

as i’ve been trying to rationalize, where the hell did this come from?? is this just a hard moment that will pass or is this bigger than that or is this perimenopause or am i having a late-30s-life-crisis or ?? i starting making a note of the things that were taking up outsized space in my brain, aka The List. in no particular order,

  • realizing that, even with a successful chemo treatment for my dad, i find it hard to exhale, knowing theres a high recurrence rate with less successful outcomes next time
  • learning that my brother has a heart condition that will likely require open heart surgery before the end of the year, just like my youngest sister did for a similar-but-different heart condition. and my grandpa had the same condition as my brother and also had heart surgery so, clearly, genetics
  • seeing photos and videos of hurricane damage and confronting my growing existential dread thanks to human-caused climate change that’s coming for us all, now – not years from now – and how it will displace millions of people and fundamentally change our global existence
  • parenting in america in general – 2 different school schedules, baseline fear of gun violence in public places, baseline dread at what above climate change means for my kids’ and the next generation’s future, and an overall lack of societal support for families and parents
  • too many years working at a breakneck speed with very little actual rest; acutely, the past 3 months have been particularly tough (i know, it’s *just* work but unfortunately, i’ve never been a ‘it’s *just* work’ person)
  • friends going through their Own Hard Shit and being unable to physically be closer to support
  • unimaginable death and destruction in gaza and an impending escalation in the middle east; an ongoing war in ukraine; neither with signs of a slow down and the very-not-good-outcomes that could be ahead
  • a consequential election that is a truly unfathomable situation (how is the polling/race still this close????) and am i doing enough to help get out the vote

any ONE of those things would be reason enough to live with the panicked, shallow breathing as the norm. to see ALL of these things weighing on my conscious and subconscious brain – and consequently my physical body – listed out, to be examined one by one, was a helpful exercise for me. should this probs live in a journal somewhere and not the internet? yeah, probably; no one likes a self important debbie downer (like i said, a lot of fun to live with rn!)

but maybe you (whomever, wherever) reading this might also benefit from a reminder that, we each have our own version of The List in our brains and bodies and getting it down and out on paper helps immediately (knowledge is power) – and also, we’re all going through some shit so if you lack patience and are prone to grumpiness like me, maybe we keep that kernel in the back of our brain and try to pause and choose kindness and empathy when we react.

and also, maybe try to get some sleep, movement and drink enough water in your day to give yourself a fighting chance of physically feeling a little okay. and also, most importantly, talk to someone to share how you’re feeling and also find someone who’s a paid professional to help. you matter, your List matters and like Snoop Dogg says, every problem has an answer and i deserve to feel good!

to all of us working on our box breathing techniques to get through it, sending you a big hug. <3

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